Rewriting the Conversation Around Sexual Assault

Disclaimer (00:00:05): Mental health rewritten is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice,

diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult a mental health professional for care. This podcast may include sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advised.

Dominic Lawson (00:00:28): I need to let you know that this episode may be a bit graphic at times, and it's not for the purpose of being

gratuitous, but to talk about hard truths in the form of narratives and insight. And it starts from the very

beginning. So again, listener discretion is advised. I want to begin with a question. Is this sexual assault?

That's not rhetorical. That's the question, and I want you to really sit with it, so stay with me here, Maria

is sleep. The kind of sleep that comes after a long day when your body finally gives out before your mind

finishes is last. Anxious thought. Her husband of 15 years, Jason, who just hours earlier brought up their

dwindling sex life, walks into the room. They have had this conversation about their sex life more

frequently in recent years, and it appears it's reached a bit of a boiling point.

(00:01:36): So as Jason walks in, he is not violent, he is not shouting. There is no force, just silence. And then it

happens. He wakes up about an hour or two later, a bit disoriented and confused, and then she realizes

something a bit odd. There's a strange substance on her body and it is at that moment while still half

sleep, that she realizes what has happened to her. We lay out the question one more time. Is this sexual

assault? The answer I'll provide later, and it may appear obvious, but there is a reason why I am asking

because this episode is about the things we miss, the versions of harm that don't come with physical

bruises, the moments that happen behind closed doors and get rewritten as normal or playful. When we

talk about sexual assault, some versions we recognize instantly. Others, well, they kind of in the margins

of our understanding, but we're starting here not because it's the most graphic or the most violent because

it is here, we are asked to pause to rethink what harm can look like, especially when it's framed in silence,

routine or even intimacy.

(00:03:22):Change begins with understanding and understanding begins with reflection. My name is Dominic

Lawson and this is Mental Health Rewritten. And this episode of Mental Health Rewritten, we explore the

silent, unseen forms of sexual harm that unfolds in everyday spaces, marriages, families, and institutions.

We challenge the ideal victim myth and highlight how healing begins, not just in therapy, but in being

believed. Join us as we rewrite the conversation around sexual assault. Here's the truth. This is not an easy

episode to do, and for many it's not an easy one to hear, but that's exactly why we have to talk about it

because silence doesn't just protect feelings. It protects systems, protects patterns, protects pain. Consider

this, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, only about 21.5% of sexual assaults were reported to

law enforcement in 2021. That means nearly four out of five incidents remain unreported.

(00:04:55):And when you ask why, the answers are heartbreaking but honest. Some survivors fear retaliation,

especially when the person who harmed them holds more power in the workplace. That can mean losing a

job or a promotion in a family. It might mean losing support, being labeled as a traitor or worse being

ignored completely. Others carry shame. Let's be real. Sexual violence doesn't just wound the body. It can

humiliate the soul. Survivors often ask themselves, did I do something to deserve this? And the world

doesn't always rush in to say absolutely not. As I was researching this episode, I kept circling back to one

word, visibility because silence may protect systems, but visibility, that's how systems start to crack. And

yet visibility isn't always safe, is it? Because some survivors do speak up, but they are met with silence or

skepticism or subtle pressure to just move on.

(00:06:10): That kind of indifference can feel like a second assault. And then there are those who don't want their

families to know at all, especially in communities where sexuality itself is stigmatized. And if the abuser

is a loved one, a friend or a respected figure, confusion deepens and the silence grows. And perhaps most

tragically, some survivors don't even realize what happened to them was an assault because they've been

taught to only see violence in extremes because no one ever told them that coercion, manipulation or

simply being unable to say no still counts. And that's why we're starting here, not with the loudest stories,

but with the quiet ones, the blurred ones, the ones hiding in plain sight. And to understand this

complexity, I do what I have always done. I turn to the professionals and the clinicians, the people who

hold space for the very stories we'll hear today.

Havi Kang (00:07:18): I feel like some of the current stuff that's going on, people are watching.

Dominic Lawson (00:07:22): This is psychotherapist and trauma life coach Javi King. You may remember her from episode one where

we spoke about sex addiction. It made sense to bring her back for this conversation because she's worked

with many survivors and has closely observed how these issues are being discussed, not just in the

therapy rooms, but at the societal level.

Havi Kang (00:07:42): People are really watching what's happening, so they're really tuning in to see what happens to not only

the predators out there, but also what's happening for the folks who are filing lawsuits and stuff like that.

If you even think about social media, I feel like a lot of people are posting a lot more about mental health,

about trauma, about sexual abuse, about things like that. I feel like you can go on any social media

platform and there's a lot of trigger warnings now. If you are dealing with sexual assault, scroll, go to the

next post or just be prepared. Books are having a lot more trigger warnings now. Movies are having a lot

more trigger warnings, people, movies, books are being canceled, for example. So I think there is a shift

that's happening. I think there's still a long way to go, but I think it's pretty cool so far to see what has

been happening. But yeah, I think there needs to be more support, more accessible support for survivors,

non-judgmental support, whether that's free more resources, whether that's just more education for those

who might be questioning if they have sexual assault in their history, sexual trauma in their history.

Dominic Lawson (00:08:51): It makes you wonder, doesn't it? What happens when education meet people where they are, when the

warnings are there, but the conversations never go deeper? Now we've got trigger warnings and trauma

threads, sure, but do we have real frameworks of understanding? Because when survivors question their

own experiences and when silence is passed off as protection, we're not just missing a teachable moment,

we're building a cycle of confusion. But where does that cycle begin? And more importantly, who is there

left trying to break it? Let's bring in Dr. Justin Dotson, who we've been talking to the past two episodes.

Dr. Justin Dodson (00:09:31): I remember working years and years ago at this residential facility that worked with children that

exhibited unhealthy sexual behaviors and had a client who had a several number of victims whether he

exposed himself or sexually assaulted them. And I remember talking to the parents and saying, Hey, we're

going to be doing some sexual health education. And they said, well, we don't talk about that in this

house. This is a Christian home. You will not be talking to our son about sexual health education. Now,

I'm a new therapist, right? So I'm fresh out of graduate school, but my thought is how can he be admitted

to this program with, I think at that time it was 12 victims and you not allowed me to talk about sexual

health education. Part of the reason why we got here is because there was a lack of sexual health

education.

(00:10:23): So that has to be a part of the conversation. So even men who are 40 years old living with some type of

sex addiction, there is some type of educational component to help you understand and frame your

understanding of what you're doing and how it can be harmful. And so that has to be the case. But when

you have parents that are unwilling or unable, right, so unwilling or unable because they don't have the

skill or the knowledge themselves, then you leave people to figure it out by themselves. And oftentimes

that is done through ways that are not socially acceptable, that are illegal, and that are ultimately going to

hurt someone else even if it's the kid who didn't get the education.

Dominic Lawson (00:11:04): It's heartbreaking when a child is denied education that could have protected them, not just the child who

was victimized, but honestly even the one who might go on to cause the harm. Because when we fail to

educate, we don't just leave people vulnerable, we leave them unequipped because sometimes it's not just

a lack of knowledge that leaves someone vulnerable. It's the calculated silence of people who do know

better but choose not to. And perhaps no case illustrates this more clearly than what happened with USA

gymnastics. The case of Larry Nassar, he was the team doctor for USA gymnastics for nearly two

decades. And on the surface it looked like dream team Olympians, gold medals, global fame, but behind

the scenes, something much darker was happening. Nassar was using his role, his access, and his

reputation to sexually abuse hundreds of girls in young women, many of them elite athletes.

(00:12:15): These weren't anonymous victims. These were household names about every four years. They were

young women who were literally the faces of American excellence and still they weren't believed. Why?

Because those systems that were in place made a calculated choice. They prioritized protecting the brand,

overprotecting the bodies of their athletes. Warnings were ignored, complaints were buried. Internal

reports never saw daylight because scandal threatened sponsorships, television deals, and Olympic

prestige. The logic was simple and chilling. If we pretend it's not happening, maybe the world won't

notice. And that is what institutional betrayal looks like when power shields itself with silence. When

success is built on the backs of pain, no one wants to acknowledge and it forces us to ask if these girls

young, celebrated, accomplished, weren't protected, what happens to those without a platform, without

metals, without anyone to speak for them? That is how predators work. We have to understand how

predators operate because it's not always in shadows. Sometimes it's in the spaces we trust most.

Dr. Alexandra Katehakis (00:13:48): First of all, predators, prey on the children that are shy, that are neglected, that aren't confident in some

ways.

Dominic Lawson (00:13:57): Dr. Alex Katehakis, who we've also talked to the past couple episodes, takes us into that space explaining how

predators don't just seek opportunity. They seek vulnerability, silence, neglect, and they count on us not to

notice

Dr. Alexandra Katehakis (00:14:13): Because they will tell them that if you tell anybody, you are going to be in trouble. This is between you

and me. This is special for us. And if a child's being neglected, they're in a bind because this person is

showing them love and attention and buying them things, but at the same time, they have to do things

with them or to them that feel gross and icky and shameful, but they're getting attention. So if you're

raising confident girls, which I imagine you are, and they are outspoken in terms of they're not shrinking

violence, those are not children that are in a predator sites for starters. So that's one thing. The other thing

is to build safety around them without terrifying them. So they're afraid to go into the world. But to say,

my mother used to say things to me like at night, you walk down the middle of the street where the street

lamps are. When you get into your car, don't walk down the dark sidewalk, just walk down the middle of

the street, have your keys in your hand. When you get in your car, look around you. Be aware. Those

were the kind of messages she gave me.

Dominic Lawson (00:15:19): That part about building confident kids. It stayed with me because it's not just about teaching them to be

cautious, it's about helping them trust their instincts, claim ownership of their bodies, and know they'll be

believed if something ever happens. That kind of confidence can be a shield. But let's be honest, not

everyone grows up with that shield, do they? And it's when it's not there, when a child is neglected,

unsure, or silenced, it doesn't just make them more vulnerable to harm. It makes the harm harder to

process when it happens, harder to name, harder to heal, because sexual trauma doesn't just live in the

moment, it occurs, it lingers, it rewires, it reshapes how someone sees themselves, their body, their safety,

their ability to trust, because the aftermath isn't a straight line. It's layered. And for it's lifelong,

Havi Kang (00:16:26): It's such a complex impact. It is not linear in any way, shape or form. And so yeah, it's an emotional

impact. It's a physical impact, it's a physiological impact, a psychological impact, and even a spiritual

impact. So it can hit really deep, which creates a long lasting effects as well. The brain will change due to

that. Unfortunately, PTSD, there's a lot of symptoms because the brain is responding to stimuli that may

feel unsafe to them. And so that begins to then impact the window of tolerance, their flight freeze

responses, they start to experience these flashbacks. There's a lot more triggers that they're now

experiencing and facing on a day-to-day basis that they weren't before. So it hits deep.

Dominic Lawson (00:17:15): Listening to Javi, I kept thinking about how trauma doesn't just live in the past. It lives in our nervous

system. It makes me think about Dr. Bessel VanDerKolk's book. The Body keeps the Score because it's

not just one thing, it's everything. And it doesn't just shape the survivor, it shapes the space around them.

Which brings us to a very important question. What happens when the trauma survivor isn't healing in

isolation, but in a relationship when they're sharing a home, a bed, a life with someone, possibly even the

person who triggered or perpetrated that trauma? Because sometimes healing gets interrupted, not by the

past, but by the present.

Dr. Justin Dodson (00:18:01):

I'll break it down like this. It is important for someone to be involved, especially if the person that is being

treated is going back into that same environment because we're going to undo that here. But you're going

to undo what we did here, going back into that environment. And a lot of the times somebody in their life

is feeding and either enabling it or feeding their ability to continue doing this, whether they think they're

being problematic or not. So if I'm coming home and I ambition and complaining and I am spewing

words and I'm treating you poorly, I am creating an opportunity for you to feel less than, to feel outcasted,

to feel other. And now I'm going to resort back to the behavior that I once knew to help me feel good.

Dominic Lawson (00:18:42): People can't rebuild together if neither of them knows how to stand on their own. It's why individual

therapy matters, because it's not about blame. It's about clarity and creating a safe space to unpack unmet

needs, hidden wounds and behaviors. We picked up trying to survive because a lot of us are in

relationships. We were never taught how to be in and what once felt like love can start to echo old

patterns we never resolved. But even when someone does the work, even when the behaviors start to shift,

that can still be something lingering, a kind of fog. Even for this one, we go back to Javi because not all

trauma announces itself clearly. Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it hides behind the word. Maybe it

wasn't that bad. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I made it up. And like we said, the body keeps the score.

The nervous system remembers even when the mind wants to forget.

Havi Kang (00:19:56): It might be some of that denial. It wasn't that it wasn't strong, it was just a one time thing. It was we were

drunk, it was whatever. And then when you really start to understand the dynamics of what had happened,

it probably wasn't consent. It probably wasn't a layer of boundaries. There wasn't the things that would

make a healthy sexual experience. Once you start to dissect that, the client might start to question 'em, oh,

maybe this isn't what I thought it was. So it's again, that layer of denial or that layer of veil that they put

over that event. It wasn't that bad or no, it wasn't trauma. No, that wasn't rape. No, that wasn't abuse. No,

that wasn't assault. They're more likely to, if it's an egregious assault, being kidnapped and then being

raped by a on the street. Those ones are a bit as unfortunate as that is that those ones are a bit easier to

report on or to get some validation on.

(00:20:47): But then it's the boyfriend in college raped you every day. That unfortunately part of the dynamic, what

happens in the brain is it justifies it. Oh, he's my boyfriend. And the other thing too is they don't believe. I

have a client right now who suspects sexual abuse from her father, and she still, I don't think he really did

it. I don't think he did. Maybe he did, but I feel this in my body and she doesn't have sex anymore. She's

completely isolated in that sense, but she still questions even when she's around him. I just don't like it. I

just don't like being around him. It makes me feel icky, gross, those kinds of feelings again. So we're still

exploring, right? I want to believe her nervous system. Her nervous system is responding to something, to

the uncle, to her father, to it's responding, so really tuning into what the nervous system and the body is

saying, whereas the mind will want to say, no, that didn't happen, right? No. Maybe it was just a weird

day. Maybe it was this. Maybe it was that. So that's why it's really important as a therapist to really look

at, okay, what is the client saying? But what is the body saying as well?

Dominic Lawson (00:21:58): It's haunting, isn't it? That tug of war between what the body knows and what the mind refuses to believe.

I mean, I get it, especially when that harm doesn't look like what we were taught to recognize when it's

not violent, when it's not a stranger, when it's not what the movies show. Because what if a person who

harmed you is someone you love? What if the only thing louder than the trauma is the doubt? And that is

why we opened this episode with a question is this sexual assault? And here's why I brought this question

to the forefront, because see, Maria's story is actually inspired by a skit I came across on social media. In

it, a husband and wife are arguing about their sex life, and the next morning something deeply unsettling

happens. I think you can imagine what, but as disturbing as that skit was, nothing prepared me for the

comment section.

(00:23:04): And we are talking, both men and women were making light of this situation. Comments range from,

well, if they had sex, you wouldn't have had to do that to even more troubling ones. I would've done the

same thing. Now, some commenters called it for what it was assault, repeating it over and over. This is

assault. This is assault. But there were plenty of others brushing it off as saying, relax. It's just a joke. And

that is when I knew we needed to offer a different lens on this conversation, a different way of talking

about this, because if the comment section is in a reflection of where we are as a culture, then the silence

surrounding consent, coercion and relational power isn't just dangerous. It's loud because this isn't about

one moment, one marriage, one violation. It's a question about how we as a society have been trained to

recognize some versions of harm and erase others. And now it's time to answer that question. Is this

sexual assault, Dr. Katehakis, if you would,

Dr. Alexandra Katehakis (00:24:26): That is an assault against a female. And there's nothing funny about it, and it's disturbing. It's really

disturbing because how far does that line go where I can do what I want whenever I want to you?

Anything that is non-consensual is considered assaultive. It doesn't matter what it is. And so asking

permission for any number of things is important, especially when it comes to bodily contact. And I think

that's a good message for kids also, that if somebody doesn't ask you to give you a hug, you don't have to

give them a hug. So often relatives do that at Christmas. They just hurl themselves at your kids. And so

teaching those kind of boundaries, but also you did the right thing by commenting in that section by

saying, this is inappropriate or it's non-consensual. It's jocular, it's a locker room talk. It's ha ha funny.

(00:25:22): But when you are the recipient of something like that or someone is, it's not funny. It feels horrible, and

she was sleeping. It would've been like if she had been passed out drunk, if she's passed out drunk as that

licensed to have penetrative sex. How far does this go? It's like unbelievably childish. It's like a tit for tat

as opposed to let's have a conversation about our sex life. Let's talk about what we both want and need

and frequency and desire differences, and if we're going to come to the conclusion that we're going to

have an open marriage, let's do it consensually and collaboratively. That would be a grownup thing to do

as opposed to some adolescent threat like that that just highlights the lack of sex education and the lack of

sophistication in which we talk about sex in this country.

Dominic Lawson (00:26:17): When we peel back the layers, the jokes, the justifications, the gender wars, even, we get to the real

question, what are we normalizing in the name of? That's just how relationships work. Let me be very

clear. Consent isn't a technicality. It's the foundation. And if it's not present, if someone is asleep and

coherent or too afraid to say no, then what happened wasn't miscommunication. That is harm, but the

world doesn't always call it that, especially when the harm comes dressed in routine. And so we checked

back in with Maria when the body woke up completely before the truth did. She moves through the

kitchen. Someone else lives in her body now folds the dish towel three times, then unfolds it. It's like her

mind is searching for routine, and then there's Maria's inner dialogue.

Maria (A.I.) (00:27:22): It must have been the wine right or the melatonin. He didn't mean harm. He wouldn't. Would he?

Dominic Lawson (00:27:30): Jason, he walks in, he's chipper, makes a joke about how deeply she slept. Maria responds

with a half smile, a nod. Her hand grips the coffee mug tighter. Sometimes silence isn't a decision is a

defense mechanism. The body doesn't want to remember, but memory has a smell, it has a texture, and

trauma always finds the cracks.

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:28:10): When I was a kid, I was writing these big intricate stories. I was actually a pretty early writer and speaker

as well, and I started off doing things very early on before I guess the age you're supposed to be doing

them.

Dominic Lawson (00:28:24): This is my friend Ashley-Lauren Elrod. She isn't just a storyteller. She's a story in motion from the

outside. Her childhood might have read like a checklist of achievement, early writing talent, musical gifts

to educator parents. But what I've learned, especially in doing this podcast is that the most compelling

stories don't live in accolades. They live in the contradictions.

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:28:48): Families are complex. I once again, we have grace for our parents and especially for me in my

deconstruction journey of intergenerational trauma and just really digging deep into what that looks like

and how that began and just really digging into the history of those things just as a nation and different

families structures. On one side, I had two great parents, like I said, who were doing their best. They had

their goals of coming because my dad migrated from Mississippi with his 13 siblings to Chicago in the

middle of the night, and they had a very traumatic childhood and upbringing transferring to McCullough

homes and Cabrini Green, and my mom, unfortunately was a disabled half of my life dealing with a lot of

autoimmune issues. So she had to leave teaching early. So it was a very complex environment for sure.

Dominic Lawson (00:29:48): Ashley Lauren's story is unique, so unique that it would be told across all three tracks of this season of

mental health, rewritten cultural identity, suicide, and this one about sex. And unfortunately, here is the

reason why her story fits this episode,

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:30:12): I started experiencing unfortunately, sexual assault and abuse at a very early age. That's why I said I felt

like I was living a double life a lot of times growing up a lot of my life because on one side you're getting

great experiences and you're doing your best. But then on the other side, I was getting abused half of my

life for over 11 years and was a family member, and it really actually wasn't just him, it was multiple

people. There were actually a couple girls in my life as well that also did, and it definitely caused me

obviously to be strong at a very early age, but also I think it caused me to be very dissociated a lot

throughout my childhood as well. I think there was a lot of my childhood, even to this day, I'll remember

a lot of things really well, but then there's a lot of chunks of my life where I'm like, huh, why don't I

remember that?

(00:31:10): So I definitely have a lot of blackout moments from a certain point in my life when it comes to different

events and such. So I think that's something I'm still even deconstructing as an adult at 35 years old, and

it's been a process. I think it's a huge journey, especially when it happens to you in that way, not just once,

but for a long period of time by multiple different people. It causes, I think a deeper rabbit hole that you

have to come out of layer by layer, but also it causes a lot of confusion as well. I've been very open about

my journey in a lot of ways, but this past year, definitely getting more open and feeling more comfortable

to talk to people about how when you are abused, especially when, I hate to say the word ancestral, but it

was, and it's a lot of shame that comes with saying that and being honest about it, but it is what it is, and

that's what it was. It's a lot that you have to continue to unpack just with that alone. And then when it

happens from my friends, it's like that's a whole nother layer that you have to unpack, especially when it

is the same sex, because that attributes, I think sometimes to you being sexually confused your own self

as you continue to grow and figure out who you are outside of your trauma.

Dominic Lawson (00:32:37): I want to just take a breath here because what Ashley Lauren just shared, there's a gravity to it, and it's

hard to put into words, which is tough because I'm a podcaster, but what stands out the most to me is her

clarity, her courage to not only name what happened, but to sit with the aftermath because the truth,

trauma doesn't end with the event. It echoes. It creeps into memory, into relationships, into identity.

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:33:12): I think that's something that we don't talk often about is how sexual identity can be skewed when you are

abused by people that you know. And also too by people, if it's both sexes the same sex. I just don't think

that conversation is talked about enough. How survivors do go through a lot of times where you're trying

to figure out, well, who am I then really outside of the trauma? Because if you just are attracted to a man

or a woman or whatever, if I always wanted to be from a place that's authentic and it's, oh, this is who I

am and this is what I'm attracted to, and I'm always been very cognizant of that, of because of my trauma,

because I'm confused or because I'm still dealing with things that I need to process and go through,

Dominic Lawson (00:34:03): There's something raw in human to what Ashley Lauren just said, the search for identity outside of

trauma. Because when harm is woven into your earliest experiences, it doesn't just take your safety, it

tries to take your sense of self. And as Ashley Lauren pointed out, it can even try to rewrite the story of

who you love, who you trust, and how you navigate the world. But what really stuck with me is how she's

learning to speak up even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, that kind of bravery naming the fear

isn't just healing work. It's reclamation.

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:34:45): The first time it was, it was perceived as a game. That's how the person said what it was, and it was like, I

feel like I still felt it was off, but it was just like, oh, like you said, you're family. You're here. You're

babysitting me. I can trust you. This is fine, I guess. And then I think it was after the second or third time,

that's when, like I said, I actually started dissociating quite a bit. There's a time where you really shut off

to be honest when things are happening. My late brother, he passed away a couple years ago. He would

see it in my eyes, you just snap in and out. And that was the first time, and that was around 16 when he

noticed that about me. He was much older than me, so he came to visit from Canada quite often, and a

situation that happened, and he noticed that, and I think that's when I was like, oh, I do that a lot. I think

it's like I can be there and then I cannot be there at the same time.

Dominic Lawson (00:35:54): Let's go back to something Ashley Lauren said,

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:35:56): And then I think it was after the second or third time, that's when, like I said, I actually started

dissociating quite a bit

Dominic Lawson (00:36:05): Listening to her. It's clear this isn't just about memory or trauma, it's about survival on the neurological

level, what she describes being there but not there. Watching things unfold while feeling nothing. At first

it might seem like zoning out, but the more she spoke, the more I started to wonder, what if this isn't just a

coping mechanism, but something deeper, which leads us to dissociative disorders. At first glance, the

word dissociation might sound clinical, but when you look closer, what you'll find is an emptiness. It's a

defense. Dissociation is defined as disruption in the normal integration of consciousness, memory,

identity, emotion, perception, body representation, motor control and behavior. It's the mind's version of

an emergency exit because sometimes it looks like daydreaming. Other times it's far more intense, like

watching your life unfold through a window you can't open. It's like you're there, but not really.

(00:37:09): You hear the words, you see the faces, but none of it feels real. The DSM five describes it as a survival

mechanism, a psychological escape route when the body can't run, but the mind still needs to flee. It's

what happens when staying becomes unbearable. But leaving isn't an option. That is dissociation when

the body stays, but the mind disappears. And here's the thing, it's not always visible. No bruises, no

broken glass, just absence a slow erosion of presence. Dissociation is just a psychological response to

trauma. But here's where it gets complicated, because trauma doesn't end when the event ends for many.

The real damage unfolds later when they finally do speak up, when they follow every piece of advice, tell

someone, report it, ask for help, and they're met with doubt. That disbelief, that's not just discouraging, it's

destabilizing. And for a nervous system already wired to protect that kind of invalidation can reinforce the

very symptoms people are trying to heal from. It can send the mind right back into survival mode,

reinforcing dissociation as the safest option. So while the initial trauma may have triggered the

dissociation, the aftermath, not being believed, the being shut down part can keep it alive. Allow Javi to

explain more.

Havi Kang (00:38:42): The times that they do choose to speak up, it's not believed is so yeah, impactful to them, right? It's like I

did what I was told to, told me to tell people, told me to report them. People told me to speak up for

myself. And then when they do, they're not believed. So it's a huge impact. Then that could be very

defeating to them. It's like, well, why even speak about this? Why keep bringing this up? And then again,

it just boils all the way back down to those symptoms, those trauma symptoms, those triggers being

present for them, right? They're trying to do their best in terms of getting some healing and getting it out

there, and then it gets shut down. So a huge impact as a result of that.

Dominic Lawson (00:39:22): It's not just the event itself. It's everything that comes after the doubt, the dismissal, the silence that tells

survivors sometimes louder than words, your pain doesn't count. And here's the thing, sometimes that

silence isn't just external. Sometimes it lives inside of us. There have been people walking around for

years, decades, even carrying something. They don't have the language for it yet. No headline, no warning

label, just a feeling of something wasn't right. And then one day often unexpectedly it clicks. Ashley

Lauren's story is a powerful example of that, A moment in the classroom, a video meant to educate. And

what she saw changed everything.

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:40:14): I got to grade school and high school and heard things and saw videos, and actually that's when I really

realized I was taken advantage of as a child was when I watched a video in religion class my freshman

year of high school, and they were talking about sexual assault and abuse, and they were like, if this

happens to you, tell your parent right away or someone you trust. And that's when it actually really hit

me. What happened to me when I was a kid, and I remember telling or asking my friend afterwards, I'm

like, oh, so that's like rape or whatever and abuse. And she's like, yeah. And she was like, has that

happened to you? And I remember I just froze and I just walked away. But that was literally the first time

it really actually hit me that that's what happened to me all of those years,

Dominic Lawson (00:41:07): To suddenly reframe your childhood through a completely different lens, that changes well, everything.

And yet even when that awareness hits, the question becomes where do you take it? I mean, who do you

tell when the world has taught you not to speak? Because for many, the silence around these topics starts

early in households. It's not just that abuse isn't talked about. It's that nothing is not sex, not therapy, not

emotions. And it's Ashley, Lauren shares sometimes that silence is inherited.

Ashley-Lauren Elrod (00:41:50): I grew up in a family where in particular it was like, give it to God, give it to God, give it to God. God's

going to take care of his situation, that God is your strength. And therapy, like I said, was not talked about

at all in my house or talking to someone. I also felt like, and this is a whole nother rabbit hole with my

mom and stuff, even just talking about sex and everything was just, it was just not a thing in my

household. I learned about sex from my friends in grade school about where babies actually come from

because that was just not, I mean, it was just not a thing that my parents were comfortable disclosing or

talking about. And I learned too, like I said, sexual abuse and assault is a theme in my family,

unfortunately on both sides. So it's an intergenerational trauma that I think really affected how both my

parents talk about those things and approach that in my childhood. I feel like that was a huge barrier. It's

like I didn't feel like even if I wanted to talk about those things that I could because it was just a, no, we're

not talking about this subject. And I was almost left to be really naive about certain things until I was

getting abused and such.

Dominic Lawson (00:43:11): There's a concept in existential philosophy, something Jean Paul Sartor called Bad Faith. It's the idea that

we lie to ourselves, not out of malice, but out of self preservation. We perform roles, we tell ourselves

stories that make life bearable because facing the full truth feels impossible. And listening to Ashley,

Lauren, I couldn't help but think about that. She didn't just inherit silence. She mastered it because when

the people around you can't speak certain truths, you learn to stop even asking the questions. You learn

how to be okay on the outside, even when confusion and hurt are building on the inside, you learn without

anyone ever seeing the words that survival sometimes looks like pretending nothing ever happened, but

bad faith isn't a flaw, it's a shield. One crafted carefully by generations before us. And nationally, Lauren,

like so many others, carried that shield until the moment it started to crack. But that brings us back to Javi

because when we start talking about sex, especially in the context of addiction or compulsive behavior,

the room gets crowded fast, not just with shame, but with all the identities we carry. So when I talked to

Javi, I wanted to know what does it look like when those layers start to reveal themselves in therapy

Havi Kang (00:44:48): With race? It could look like maybe it's a race that doesn't engage in sex, or sex is a sin before marriage.

And so there's that piece. There's races that believe that they're more hypersexual and it's okay to act out

this way. And with gender. Yeah, same thing. It's a lot of preconceptions of men have more sex and it's

okay. Women have to obey a husband's wishes, obligations as a wife or a partner. The same thing with

orientation. A lot of times it's, again, for example, the gay community, having anonymous sex is pretty

common. And again, that doesn't mean that they're engaging in compulsive sexual behavior, but it's

common. So again, as a therapist, it's important to look at all of those factors, to explore all of those

pieces and take that into consideration as you're working with these clients.

Dominic Lawson (00:45:39): That part, that part right there, that Javi just said, because that made me realize how often we inherit not

just silence, but scripts, talking points. And these scripts are about who gets to express desire, who has to

suppress it, and what it means when you step outside those invisible lines. And sometimes those scripts,

those talking points come wrapped in culture, tradition, even faith, they show up in the therapy room, but

they also show up at the kitchen table or don't. And when they go unspoken, they fester. When we talk

about addiction, when we talk about suicide, we're also talking about the pain that came before. Trauma

isn't always loud. We've said this before, it doesn't always announce itself with a crisis. Sometimes it

whispers. It lingers. And when it doesn't get named or held with care, it finds other ways to make itself

known through addiction, through withdrawal, sometimes through the quietest and most devastating acts

of despair. And it makes you think, what does it look like when that kind of pain doesn't get processed

privately, but gets masked publicly when the trauma hasn't gone away? It's just dressed up almost like a

fancy dinner table, which is where we find Maria. And that dinner table is dressed with laughter, candles,

flickering friends, swap vacation plans, and parroting gripes. And Jason leans back and brags about their

spicy rekindling. Maria lifts her wine glass up, but doesn't drink. She stares through it like a glass between

her and the world.

Maria (A.I.) (00:47:30): They believe him. I believed him for a minute, but I didn't feel sexy. I felt absent, invisible, played even.

Dominic Lawson (00:47:43): This is what gaslighting can sound like. It isn't always cruel. Sometimes it's charming, casual, a joke

shared across a dinner table, and yet it stains every word you didn't say.

Dan Woerheide (00:48:03): First of all, Dominic, it's great to be here with you and working on this project together. I appreciate the

opportunity.

Dominic Lawson (00:48:11): This is my friend Dan War, Heidi and I brought him on to help me with a very unique part of this

conversation.

Dan Woerheide (00:48:18): I'm a father of girls. I raised two daughters and for several years, three nieces. I retired from the army in

2018 in the military. So for roughly 13 years, I was a victim advocate for survivors of sexual assault.

Dominic Lawson (00:48:33): The more I've been on this journey, the more I've come to see that advocacy isn't just a title, it's a

commitment, a decision to step into uncomfortable spaces, not because you have all the answers, but

because you're willing to be present when it matters most. And what strikes me is how often advocacy

starts with not a plan, but with a question. What can I do? For some, like Dan, it wasn't a role he sought

out, but what he chose to do with that assignment, that is where the impact lives. Because real advocacy

isn't about perfection. It's about showing up, learning fast, and staying in the room when others walk out.

Dan Woerheide (00:49:17):

So I went to this training and I walked in day one, we had a forensic nurse examiner or a sane or safe

nurse, depending on what your background is. These are the people who, when someone reports a sexual

assault and they go to the hospital to seek care, they're the first interaction for a situation that involves

sexual assault because they help with collecting the evidence, and it's a very intimate personal experience.

I say all that to say that this forensic nurse examiner looked at our classroom and she said, look, this is a

fairly new program to the army. I have a background that stems, I think it was 20 or so years in this

particular field, and you probably are all here because you were appointed, and many of you don't have

any idea what this is even about. So let me give you the background.

(00:50:09): And she broke it down in, I would like to use the word painful. It wasn't painful really, but it was a very

painfully detailed orientation about what the world is we were about to walk into. And she said, so with

that said, we have a general, he is a three star general who took the initiative to create this first step of

what later became an army wide program. But I have his personal backing. If this is not right for you,

then you are free to go back to your units and tell them. We will tell them that they need to assign

someone who would be more effectively involved in this role and be able to take this on with that

personal level of attention. If that's you, no repercussions whatsoever. Your units cannot hold you liable

for leaving this classroom. All the details were covered, and she said, so, I would just like you to stand up,

gather your things and leave now if that's you. And half the room got up and left. And my only thought at

the time was, do we really have this big of an issue that these many people need our help that they're

creating a program for? I had no real association with that lifestyle, so to speak at the time. And so I was

just amazed that there are people that need my help. I have the potential to help them. I'm going to stay

here, whatever it takes. So that's how I got started.

Dominic Lawson (00:51:42): Dan's story isn't just about the call to serve. It's the moment of decision. But why? What makes someone

stay in the room filled with pain, filled with stories? You may not be ready to hear. Maybe it's curiosity,

maybe it's conviction, or maybe as Dan hints at, it's the realization that staying means stepping into

something bigger than yourself.

Dan Woerheide (00:52:08): I was thinking about as she went through what all is entailed in a forensic exam, right? They go through

literally with a fine tooth comb, they scrape the pubic region, all of these really intimate personal invasive

procedures to collect potential evidence. And just listening to that process was understanding that

someone who has been subjected to something as traumatic as sexual assault is continually being

traumatized in the name of science slash legal repercussions. Now, the sane and safe nurses do a really

great job of being a part of that process and helping to explain every step of the process, and they're as

gentle as possible, and they're compassionate. In many cases, very few times, would you run into a sane

or safe nurse that's not compassionate because they understand that it's already a traumatic experience,

and this is only furthering that experience. Think about this, Dominic.

(00:53:18): If you're attacked, violated, sexually assaulted, you have been stripped of every piece of dignity and

respect you have for yourself in that moment and all the power and control you had over your life in that

moment. And it can be significant without the little things. The little things make all the difference, but

having someone to walk through that process with you was even more empowering. You're not alone. I'm

making my own choices, but I'm not here by myself, and I can lean on you to ask questions, or I can seek

advice on what I should do next, and you're going to educate me on my options, and that was wonderful.

Dominic Lawson (00:53:59): Let's go back to something Dan said earlier.

Dan Woerheide (00:54:01): Someone who has been subjected to something as traumatic as sexual assault is continually being

traumatized in the name of science slash legal repercussions.

Dominic Lawson (00:54:15): This speaks to a core trauma response for something we need to break down further. You are probably

familiar with PTSD or post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This usually develops after a single traumatic

event, something like a car accident or a natural disaster or a violent attack. It's about how the brain and

body respond to a sudden shock. But there's another lesser known diagnosis that speaks to a deeper, more

enduring kind of trauma complex PTSD. And no, it's not just more PTSD. It's a different beast altogether.

Complex. PTSD develops after prolonged repeated trauma from which escape feels impossible, like

ongoing child abuse captivity, intimate partner violence or exploitation. It's not just about one terrifying

event. It's about trauma that becomes the air you breathe according to the ICD 11 complex. PTSD

includes all of the core symptoms of PTSD, re-experiencing, avoidance, and a persistent sense of a

current threat, but with three additional layers that make it distinct.

(00:55:28): Number one, effectiveness, dysregulation, intense emotions that feel impossible to control. Or on the flip

side, a numbing of feelings altogether. Number two, negative self-concept. That inner voice that whispers

your broken, shameful or permanently damaged. And number three, disturbed relationships. A chronic

inability to feel close to others or a pattern of chaotic or avoided connections. It often shows up in the

body, not just in the mind, physical pain, disassociation and emotional numbing become protective walls.

Now, complex PTSD is officially recognized in the ICD 11, the World Health Organization's Diagnostic

Manual, but if you're looking for it in the DSM five, the American Psychiatric Association's Manual

Manual, you won't find it. Well, not directly. Instead, clinicians might use the category of other specified

trauma or stressor related disorder to describe what is essentially complex PTSD and honestly, the

absence. Why you may be asking, well, it's mostly due to the debates about how distinct it is from PTSD

and whether it should be treated as a subtype or a separate condition or for many survivors and the

clinicians who treat them, the distinction is very real and necessary. That brings us to the next part of this

conversation. A difficult one, but a necessary one, because when we talk about compulsive sexual

behavior about addiction, it's easy to focus on what's visible, the acting out, the harm even. But

underneath all of that are often stories that haven't been told, wounds that haven't healed. And as Javi

shares for many men, that silence starts early and it runs deep

Havi Kang (00:57:28): With the classic sex addicts that I have worked with. A good percentage all has some type of a sexual

trauma from their childhoods or even teenage years, but there's a good percentage of sexual trauma and

they've never told anyone, and so a lot of their acting out might be reenactment of their sexual trauma.

Oftentimes, when we have that reenactment, we're trying to resolve that trauma, but really compounding.

So yeah, absolutely. It's very common to have men with sexual trauma. They find it very difficult to speak

about though,

Dominic Lawson (00:58:02): That silence, it's not just heartbreaking, it's formative. It shapes how people cope, how they connect, and

how they disconnect. And often that silence is generational, inherited, reinforced even. But that brings us

to something that may be even more complicated, something that surely doesn't get talked about enough

when sexual abuse or assault happens to a man. Let me lay this on you, one in 13, that is what the CDC

tells us, that one in 13 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Now, that's actually an improvement

in the study in 2020. One was actually one in six, but here's the thing. That number either way is almost

definitely too low because most of those boys never say a word, not to a parent, not to a teacher, not even

to themselves. Sometimes that silence, it starts early. It becomes a reflex, a defense, even a way to stay

safe in a world that doesn't really have a language for male vulnerability.

(00:59:19): And when they don't speak up, they disappear from statistics, from support groups, from public

conversations about trauma altogether. They disappear in coping mechanisms into hyper-masculinity, into

overachievement, addiction, avoidance, shame, even the kind of shame that says, that shouldn't have

happened to me or worse, this wasn't abuse, and what we're left with isn't just a gap in the data. It's a gap

in our care because what I'm about to say next is important. If we don't name it, we can't treat it, and if we

don't hear their stories, we never really know how many Daniels or Justins or unnamed boys are walking

around with a past. They can't say out loud, but here's what we do know that silence doesn't mean it didn't

happen. It means we haven't made enough room to hear it. This persistent myth that men can't be victims,

or if they are, it's rare or somehow less serious. Dan challenges this idea head on and what it reveals, it

forces us to confront just how much pain gets buried because the world never gave certain people

permission to speak.

Dan Woerheide (01:00:44): That's not true at all. Not only can they be sexually assaulted by other men, but they can be sexually

assaulted by women, and they have and continue to experience trauma of that nature. Women are

generalized as the victims of sexual assault. The biggest distinction I would like to point out here is

women are more apt to report for some reason, which comes back to education, awareness and training

and giving people options, power and choices where men are more hesitant. But I forget how they put the

statistics, but it certainly was a higher rate of reported cases of women versus men, but the unknown

number was how many unreported cases by men we weren't getting because what we were getting was a

significant number. And so when you factor in, okay, if this is a significant number of reported cases

among men versus women, what is unreported? What's still going on? That's not being talked about, and

it's probably, it should be alarming to hear that

Dominic Lawson (01:01:57): There's this theme that many of us struggle to wrap our heads around. Trauma doesn't care about gender,

and while society has often placed women at the center of conversation around sexual violence, that's not

the whole picture, because men get hurt too. When they do, they're often left out of the very systems

meant to support them, not because they don't need help, but because we haven't made enough room to

believe them. But here's the thing, no matter who you are, trauma doesn't wait for permission to leave. Its

mark. It stays in the body, in the breath, in the spaces we try to ignore. Someone who knows about this is

Maria, because as we check back in with her now, she's in her bathroom, Maria locks the door and turns

on the light. She's looking at herself in the mirror,

Maria (A.I.) (01:02:59): Don't make this your fault. Don't become your own villain. You were asleep. You didn't give permission.

That wasn't affection.

Dominic Lawson (01:03:11): And then she slides away. She studies her shoulder. The one Jason touched, the one, she didn't move

away in time, and then she reaches for a razor, then she stops. She places it back down. For many

survivors, the realization comes not like lightning, but like a slow flood. Each drop a memory that can no

longer be denied. The body remembers even when the heart begs it to forget. Trauma rewires the brain,

but healing can too. It sounds simple, almost poetic, but it's science. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability

to adapt, to reroute, to create new pathways based on experience. It's what lets us learn to ride a bike. It's

what lets us learn to feel safe again. After trauma, the brain becomes hyper alert. It scans for threats. It

forgets how to rest, how to connect, how to trust. But here's the hope. Those neural pathways aren't fixed

with intention through therapy, breath, touch, movement, routine, new pathways begin to form ones that

say, you are safe.

(01:04:51): You are seen, you are still here. Healing isn't linear and it doesn't erase what happened, but it reshapes the

response bit by bit the brain, relearns, softness, relearns, pause, relearns, how to exist without being

braced for impact. And sometimes that healing starts not with a breakthrough, but with a person, someone

who says, I believe you. Because no matter how advanced our understanding of trauma becomes, some of

the most powerful healing still begins in the most human ways, being believed, being seen, being

supported. When the world feels like too much, while the science of trauma, recovery is complex, the first

step can be beautifully simple.

Havi Kang (01:05:53): So if you have a family member that you may have some type of a sexual trauma and you want to support

them in getting them into some help, I think the biggest piece is just believing them. I think, again, that's

always that big one is believe what they're saying. Even if you have your own questions about it. If it's

like the uncle, like you said, but as a family member, no, you would never do that. No, no, I don't think

so. Why would, so even things like that is not helpful. So whatever that person that's suffering with the

sexual assault, sexual trauma, just be curious with them. Hold space for them. Offer whatever support you

can. Even if that's just spending time with them, if that's, Hey, do you need help finding, need a therapist

if you don't have one already, or go into some groups, for example, for intimacy.

(01:06:38): There's lots of group therapy out there to start exploring this, but I think that the big piece of that

validation that what you're going through is valid, and I believe you and I want to help you. I think those

are the big pieces for someone who's suffering. They often suffer alone and without that kind of support.

So they may have that support with their therapist, which is great, but then in the real world, when they're

living their day-to-day life, having support and someone that they could contact whenever they can, I

think just being there for them is a huge piece as well. They're going through a trigger like, Hey, call me. I

sit with you, talk to you on the phone. Whatever that I can do could be a few things.

Dominic Lawson (01:07:18): That validation can be the first real step toward healing. And I think that brings us full circle the way

cultural conditioning doesn't just shape what we experience, but how we are allowed to respond to it.

Because whether it's a young girl learning to scan a room before wearing a skirt, or a young boy taught to

be strong but never soft, we all inherit stories about who deserves protection and who's expected to

protect themselves. But some stories don't stay inherited. Some are rewritten, which brings us one final

time to Maria. Her story isn't about resolution, it's about reclaiming. It's about a woman who's decided

that survival isn't enough. Maria wants agency in healing and a space to feel whole again. It's been nine

weeks now, and Maria attends a weekly support group, not because she wants to talk, but because it's the

only place where people don't ask her to explain her discomfort away, and it is there. She writes, Jason, a

letter, no lawyers, no yelling, just the quiet architecture of a woman rebuilding her own house from the

inside out.

Maria (A.I.) (01:08:49): We've built a life together, a rhythm, but that rhythm was never supposed to be about control that night.

You didn't me. You used me and maybe you didn't mean to, but that doesn't change what it was. This is a

trial separation. I need to live in a space where my no isn't silent. I still believe in love. I just don't believe

love feels like this.

Dominic Lawson (01:09:21): Maria isn't asking for pity. She's asking for air, for space to breathe. This is not the end of her story. It's

the middle, and like many survivors, she's rewriting it in present tense. Next time on mental health

rewritten, we conclude our track on sex by exploring a topic many people have never even heard of, but

that may be more common than you realize. Sexual anorexia, it's not about a lack of desire, it's about fear

avoidance and the ways trauma can twist. Something meant to be connective into something that feels

unsafe. We'll be joined once again by Dr. Alexandra Kataki to unpack the clinical side of it, and we'll also

hear from someone with lived experience.

Janet Bentley (01:10:18): There are so many people that suffer with it and don't have a name for it. They don't understand what's

going on with them. They think they're broken, and I speak out of experience because that's how I felt.

Dominic Lawson (01:10:33): Mental Health Rewritten created by the Owls Education Company in collaboration with the Uma

Collective Group is hosted, written, and produced by me. Dominic Lawson, executive producers Kendall

Lawson and Dr. Whitney Howell. Cover art was created by Alexandria Ings of Art Life Connections, and

some of the music you heard today was provided by DJ Crate Digger of the Mighty Sound. Champs Crew

sources to create this episode are included in the show notes. Be sure to like review and subscribe to the

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